*pop pop!*
Startled out of my sleep, eyes wide open in confusion, I look around my darkened room for any signs of danger.
*pop pop!*
I instantly wrap my arms, pulling her close to my chest as she opens her eyes to look for her pacifier.
*pop pop!*
We lay there waiting for the gun shot fires to cease. Finally, silence. Unaware of what just happened, my little ones falls back to sleep into a world of angels and toys while I lay there in disappointment. Even though gun shots is a common occurrence in my neighborhood, this is not the norm I want for my child. As I ponder on this thought, i re enter la la land, drifting fast back to sleep.
Coming out of a good dream despite last nights occurrence, I begin my day with tea and an enema. Feeling 10lbs lighter, I clock in for the day and begin my motherly duties as my little one cries out for attention as she awakes from a long night of her play date with the angels. Thinking about all the things I had to do, such as juice, make my lunch plus lunch for work seemed overwhelming. It’s so difficult trying to get anything done with an 8 month old tugging at your pants leg to be picked up constantly, however it has to be done. With the help of my mom, I begin juicing for two days worth.
I grab 12 cucumbers, 2 bunches of kale, 2 bunches of collard greens, 1 bunch of parsley, 5 apples, and one generous thumb of ginger. Keeping my little one occupied by handing her a cucumber spear for her to suck on, she aimlessly runs around in her walker with a gumless smile on her face, satisfied.
Taking a quick break from the hour long daunting task of juicing, I get back in the kitchen to begin my preparation for my lunch. On today’s menu I threw together what I had a taste for which was Brussels sprouts, salad, & soup. Finishing up after eating, I laid down in contentment. Thoroughly satisfied with the work I put in. Even more pleased because of the enjoyment my family got from the big batch of soup I made, leaving nothing but scraps left.
Before work, I left to get my baby some food. However, when things is going right, that one rain cloud likes to invite itself to party it’s not welcomed at. During my time out, my car gets towed! My adrenaline starts going and stress instantly hits my system. It seems when your on the right path and your doing so good, life gives you little test along the way to see how you will withstand these trials, and I must say y’all I failed that test. I instantly scan the parking lot full of people to look for a puff of smoke. I finally see someone smoking a cigarette and ask for one. As I fill my lungs with deadly nicotine, all I can feel is anger, sadness, disappointment. Having that cigarette did not take my problems away. I felt even worse because I was doing so good. Thoughts of, “you should just get you something to eat, snack on a donut, at least you’ll feel a little better”, but I know I wouldn’t. All I could do was cry. Even thought I was mad about the tow, I was more mad at myself about the cigarette. How could I let myself down, how could I let others down that counted on me to heal. I took in a deep breathe and regain my strength. Regardless of this minor setback, I was still determined to heal. Even though I fell off the horse today, I got back up. I’m not going to let this break me.
2 hours later and 300 dollars poorer, I retrieved my car. I was still tempted to go by In and Out burger or just any place that sells greasy food in general and just pig out. As my mind played tricks on me saying “well you already messed up, you might as well just let this be your cheat day”, however my spirit was telling me otherwise. I didn’t fall back in the pattern of bad eating just because I messed up one time. My goal is still the same and will always be the same- to be healthier and to rid myself of eczema. Even though I had a setback today, I declare myself a victor and I’m not giving up no matter what!!!
